Neko

22.22 15/04/2025

First off let me get something straight this is a JOURNAL not a diary. I tried to promise myself not to undercut this web journal with humour and the first thing I write is a Diary of a Wimpy Kid reference. I'm all tuckered out after making this site, expect a more in-depth, and frankly better, entry tomorrow.

20:22 16/04/2025

Welcome back to the Journal. There's nothing to write since I actually had a pretty decent day, woke up feeling shitty and so I thought it would just be one of those days but at some point I kind of perked up. I pulled this great comic called "Assorted Crisis Events" by Deniz Camp (who is quite possibly one of the best comic writers right now, read Ultimates 2024 or Absolute Martian Manhunter if you dont believe me).

Alright there it is again, I start talking about my day and it's already about what comics I've read. How boring must someone's life be if their day is defined by a comic book they picked up. I must ask myself if I'm living life or dreaming life at this point, if I have no emotions tied to what happened today beyond "I found a good comic book". I know the answer but it's not going lead anything because it's such a weird metaphorical feeling, I really can't describe it beyond just 'sleepwalking'. Living in my own little world, I've been a space case all my life so it's not surprising I cant really connect with my surroundings. I suppose what I'm saying is I wish I could be moved emotionally by a sunset or a pretty flower or something. It's nothing crazy, I'd like to live outside my own mind for a bit. It's stuffy as hell in here.

The irony that I started off by saying I had a decent day and then it spiraled into some weird vent is not lost on me by the way.

01:19 19/04/2025

Late entry over here, I was out all day with friends and was so tired when I got back I collapsed onto my bed. Walking around for damn near 5 hours straight will do that to you, I think it was easiest on me though since I walk everywhere anyway. T'is great for the ass I hear.

I don't go out a lot, just generally cause I'm lazy and paranoid, which are two awful things to be. I mean, I know the passing glances that people give me have no hostility or judgement but I can't just believe that, you know? I'm definitely not a very pretty or well put together person in general, and the way british people dress in a hivemind leaves me sticking out like a sore thumb. I dont dress super unique or anything, I dont proclaim myself to be a particularly unique person but in Scotland anyone who doesn't dress head to toe in Adidas is in the minority.

Talking fashion has never been my strong suit I suppose, I want to go for whatever puts me under the radar most of the time because I hate the way people look at me. I wonder what would happen if I dressed the way I REALLY wanted just once, just like assemble an outfit I like an properly go out there. T'wont happen in this lifetime likely, my face is kinda stupid enough without some wild outfit to go along with it.

I wanted to go see that Michael B Jordan horror flick, Sinners, it's really good I hear but I'm the only one with a cinema membership so no dice, today at least. I got really into horror media about a year ago, specifically Evil Dead and Hellraiser. It all started when I played Silent Hill 2 and it kind of clicked something in me, the way Silent Hill is just reminds me of how my city looks. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, it was like finding someone who sees IT too, I dont know what IT is but they see it too. My friends think i'm a poser though, I'm traditionally a scaredy cat so when I talk about my favourite horror stuff the internal groaning from them is palpable. Honestly I'm not trying to appear 'cool' because I have opinions on the Evil Dead franchise, it's really just something that clicked with me in a way I dont have the emotional intelligence to explain. If I wanted to appear cool I'd send them my ETF2L Medal in my steam inventory.

It's such a ridiculous cruelty that I found myself after high school, during high school I spent my time being an edgy little goblin. Not in the way youre probably thinking, I just packed my shit up and ate lunch in the woods while I read my comic books. I didn't figure out I liked music or horror shit till way later. My whole High school experience was desperately trying to gain some sort of social power by rejecting everyone before they could do the same to me, again. I can still feel my back clashing against the tree bark and the smell of pine, my roots as a person are in those woods I think. That's where I started reading comics and phhilosophy books, I can't help but miss that sometimes. I don't feel like I ever had that kind of nice safe solitary place again. Near the end of my high school career I was walking past the tree again, I left it the previous year in a vain attempt to get popular, and I saw some younger kids there. I think about that sometimes and I can feel this gash in my chest, I don't know if it was the fact that, unlike my time there, the woods had two inhabitants or just the idea that some other children were going through what I had to. That my weird unorthodox high school experience wasn't even weird, I was just another mishappen puzzle piece in the ecosystem. One of many before and many to come. I don't like to think about that but I've never told anyone about that so my fingers are gliding across the keyboard to tell the stupid tale. I heard that they cut that tree down anyway so it's not worth thinking about, it's just a dumb tree.

It took me a while to grow up even after I left high school, I went to an online school for a bit, to finish my highers and whatnot, and it was so odd. Everyone was nice, sickeningly so. It sounds awful to say but it felt so strange, not to say I need to be called slurs to feel comfortable but it didnt feel real. I spent a year there, it still doesn't feel real to think about. My whole life was mired in a dream, I woke up and was inside all day staring at pixels in the shape of people that typed unrealistically supportive messages to each other. I'm not saying it's was a conspiracy or anything, just that I somehow felt even more out place there. They had a social media platform and I tried to use it to stave of the loneliness and boredom inherent to being in your room all day but nothing felt real. It was like drowning in white chocolate, just far too sweet and you kinda want to barf. I left that school anyway and got nothing to show for it.

Is this even a journal or just a series of vent posts, to be fair to me I dont do a lot of shit. I go in and out of college for an ill-considered HND and then desperately think of ways to get out of the rut my life has become. I mean I'm 17 years old! I shouldn't be debating Hellraiser sequels online or learning FRC combos in GGXX AC+R I should be drinking with friends or whatever. But I've got this weird twisted paradox where I hate being alone but I hate the person hanging out with others turns me into. Somedays I just want to dissapear because it's such a pain to wrap my head around, what do I even do about any of this? The answer O' reasonable web traveller is bitch and moan in a public website/journal. I really am working on the home page btw, I hate that one of the boxes padding just isnt working for no good reason. Thanks for reading if you did by the way, I'm sure one of these days I'll write a journal entry that is actually enjoyable to read. Just re-read this and it reads like a auto-biography fml

21:17 20/04/2025

Today I did nothing, while my friends and some friends of friends went outside and had a blast together. I had to study in my defense but I can never shake the feeling that even if I did go out I would've been a drag. I don't know how I could ever exist in a traditional friend group with like 6+ people that go out and do fun stuff, I dont think I could ever fit in or keep up. Maybe the place I belong is exactly where I am, you know? I mean I gotta be here for a reason. That sucks if true, my life kinda sucks right now. Endless cycle of some happy moments followed by immediate heavy introspection that makes me realize how fucked I am. I just feel like such an outsider everywhere. I feel out of place in the music store, retro game store and basically just anywhere that isn't my room. I suppose I like the comic book store but it costs at least four bucks fifty each time. It's such an uncomfortable existence, trying desperately to become something that everyone will like. I go outside and desperately try to avoid the innocent gaze of my fellow man because it burns right through me. This blows, it blows chunks and it's killing me. My life's like a painting that's been redone so much times it's lost all definition beneath 10 inches of paint. I'm happiest during the motion of a brush stroke. This one will surely be one that completes my vision and rescues my magnum opus I say to myself, my lips gliding through the phrase on muscle memory alone. Then when the brush leaves the canvas again and the painter is forced to his work in full horrific scope, he cannot avert his eyes. It's awful and the layers of paint are weighing down the canvas.

I also watched Hellraiser three again, if you wanted my opinion on the hellraiser moviese I'm about to give them. There is one good Hellraiser film, two is just alright and three is also just okay. You know what sucks is that the Cenobites become so much less cool even just in two. Having characters become Cenobites immediately is just lame, same with giving pinhead emotions and a backstory. Isn't so much scarier if they're humans so far beyond the mortal coil that they truly believe in the grace of pain, just having characters become Cenobites instantly fucking blows. Also Pinhead being a full antagonist with schemes and grudges makes him boring, T'is why uncle frank was the main antagonist of Hellraiser one. Pinhead and the gang feel scarier as kind of emotionless or whatever, except for the pride in his voice when he says, "We have such sights to show you." That's probably the general opinion on the Hellraiser films though right? I'm the only Pinhead-head I know of. Apparently the 2022 film is good, I'll check that out soon.

Looked in the mirror and realised I have big circles around my eyes, I'm kind of in that survival horror protag aesthetic right now. I totally dig it but my friends dont like it, apparently bananas or something gets rid of eye bags.

Can't believe this is what my journal is like, thought it would be cooler honestly. I just vented and then talked about a movie. That patchwork of popculture schtick is hard to let go of...

Btw still working on the sites formatting issue, I just made it worse somehow. Please E-mail me if you know whats wronggg

21.47 22/04/2025

Hey all, surprised I kept up with this so far but it's really satisfying to finally get this shit off my chest. Not an awful day today by my standards, I got to sleep for a while. But I sense that's about to bite me in the ass since it's 10 at night and Im not tired, Im kind of nocturnal just by nature. The still quietness at night is quite appealing, though sometimes staying up all night just has me wallowing in bed till 3am. Uh but it has been a good day for most of it, just have to get lost in each brush stroke so I dont shrivel. If that confused you see the last journal entry btw.

What did I do today? Studied and then got to play 5 rounds of UMVC3 before my friends all left to play Elden ring. So here's something else. My friends and I were having this conversation right? They started talking about what situation you would need to be in to eat someone, one of my friends was on about how if they were peckish in the woods they would eat someone. I said that if I had to cut my leg off or something I think me and my partner should eat it because it would be intimate and romantic. That really set them off though, I didn't expect everyone to get it but nobody getting it was a surprise for sure. If I could defend myself for a second here; t'is my own leg, t'is my boyfriend. Not in an Armen Meiwes type situation, its not some weird sex thing, more like a way to get closer to the person you would spend your life with. I mean who else would you want to eat your amputated body part other than a life partner right? I mean I know the normal answer is no one but there's something so intimate in breaking this taboo with someone you'd spend the rest of your life with I guess. I'd never be the one to suggest it, but if it was my body part that gets chopped off then I'd float it as a suggestion. This sounds crazy Im aware but I dont think it's viscerally upsetting.

Cannot stress this enough I am not condoning cannabalism. Gross practice, murder is bad. I just remember that story where the guy got in a motorbike accident and had his leg amputated, him and his friends ate it. After that story I was thinking that I dont think I would let anyone eat my amputated part other than my hubby, just cause that seems super intimate. If you coudlnt tell the conversation ended very early so I've got a lot of remaining gripes with how I was characterised. Its that deal when everyone's trying to make jokes and stuff while youre trying to make your point so you get nowhere. TL;DR Not a cannibal, just saying if I had a part chopped of I'd want me and my husband to eat it i suppose.

This is the first post where it's not just about how sad I am and it's me talking about romantic leg consumption. What an awful website dude.

20.24 23/04/2025

Just read the last post here and understood my friends point of view. But I still stand by what I said, cause I'm not just letting anyone eat my leg bro. T'is for me and my partner alone.

So if I could even for a second stop romanticising self-cannablism, I can recap my day! College, I hate college. It's so nothing and I feel so stupid there. My class is primarily dominated by people opening red bull cans every second, farting/burping, violently snorting their nose and just anything else annoying. If for a second I can make another rant here, I have to listen to this rando proper violently snort his fucking snot rockets back up. It got so bad my fucking lecturer passed him some tissues, he said something I couldnt understand and then DIDNT USE THE TISSUES. In fact he looked annoyed at the suggestion of tissues??? Im convinced I met the first human snot rocket living in fear of the tissues, deathly scared of the absorbent padding of a tissue lest he ceases to exist. Furthermore Im so sick of the teachers pet, but its college so its a grown ass man with a beard, mullet and leather duster trying to seem smart. Like, you are in a fucking game design class, nobody is here because of how taleneted they are. We're here cause we fucked up and have nowehere else to go. We don't learn anything and we follow tutorials all day. Thank god I get to take highers extra curricularly because I cant bear this for much longer. I wanna go study English or Philosophy or something y'know? I found out how much I like writing shit and I've always been a fan of philosophy. I need to get far away from game design, this last year has been so miserable, I've never felt as invalid as I did in that class. There is not a gram of deoderant applied between the lot of them, nor shampoo. It's greasier than a mcdonalds kitchen in there and it smells like one too.

I cant even pretend I'm above the class cause obviously I'm a part of it, I deserve to be their right now. So let me tell you I've never been more motivated to get a fucking life, I cannot constantly be around these people anymore. I gotta get out of this so I'm studying really fucking hard to get into a proper uni course. I know what you'd be thinking after me saying I want to do an English or Philosophy degree but if that goes nowhere I can always teach and at least its not in the greasy pit of my college class.

I've clearly got a lot of gripes with my college I've not properly expressed elsewhere. It's just a shame cause I felt legitimately passionate about Game dev but then I found out the college course was for the kids that flunked outta high school and have no hygiene. I can't see myself properly making friends with anyone and maybe that's perfectly okay.

See normally Im just sad on this journal, or romanticising cannabalism apparently, but I'm steaming today apparently. You never really know what you're feeling until you take the time to write your shit down, something about that college class just cuts me to the bone. If we wanna return to the painting allegory, it makes me view the whole painting. There is no point I feel nice or proud of my work I do in that class, at least not in any way I could have done for myself. I mean the class would've costed 2000 pounds if the government didnt pay for british students first course. If I didnt take this course I could have finished Uni without a scratch. I suppose I just really hate the college cause its the biggest mistake I've made so far, Ive thrown potential University money down the drain because I optimistically misjudged the type of people that want to make games and who the course would be tailored for.

Maybe Im just cranky because my comic store doesnt get the new comics in until tomorrow, daddy wants his Absolute Martian Manhunter issue 2. My general rule is that everything is shitty until im partaking in a story or picture or whatever. I dont realise how integral esapism is to my will to live until I started this journal, that's very sad I say.

I said it last time but my journal is so shitty, its just vent, vent, metaphor, cannabalism but cute and then my school sucks. This reads like a 14 year old scene kid's diary but I'm 17! I should be... well I dont know what I should be doing but this feels wrong for my age range y'know?

Seeing the full picture of what a spiteful person I am, now I'm wondering if I'm a good person. Like legitimately, I wake up filled with spite or sadness and then I go to sleep filled with spite or sadness. My life is a million miles away from me but maybe if I just adjusted myself I could be happier. I dont know where I'd start though, furthermore I've almost started romanticising my sadness. I mean this website serves as a monument to my gloom, t'would be cool to not need it anymore. The last entry will probably start with, "Welp guess who finally got laid." lol